Warning: They Will Show Naked Pics of You at Your Funeral
They’ll also splash you with holy water.
I just attended my own memorial service. Overall thoughts on the whole event? It was a beautiful tribute to the guy I was for twenty-eight years.
But there were some unexpected moments as well. Moments that if I wasn’t an invisible, intangible cloud of angel fluff, I would have stepped in and possibly objected to.
Are people allowed to object at funerals? They get to at weddings.
First objection: Why do moms always think it’s a funny idea to show their sons’ naked butts to a crowd of innocent onlookers?
Regardless of whether this would have been my wedding or my funeral, I’m positive my mom would have used the same photos in a slide show.
It starts off cute enough…baby pictures, chocolate pudding-face pictures…and then? The infamous naked boy-butt mooning a whole church full of crying people.
Is this supposed to be fun?
Actually, it was pretty fun watching all the cryers instantly turn into laughers, and then back to cryers again. It was the most accurate portrayal of Jekyll and Hyde that ever existed.
Thanks for the entertainment, mom.
The churchy part of the service was boring AF, to be honest.
I was born into Catholicism but I didn’t die in it. However, my service was held in my grandmother’s catholic church. Probably because it was the only place that would cut my family a deal on the cost.
I’m okay that my Gramma chose to celebrate my life in her church though, because it was mostly her church friends who supported my family after I died. They really knew how to come together in the face of tragedy.
My mom didn’t even know that meal delivery chains were a thing until I died. Who knew grieving people wouldn’t remember how to cook when they’re sad?
Church people know.
High fives to all the church people out there.
In fact, when my mom was falling apart and ugly-crying during her tribute speech, she found out afterwards that several volunteers almost came up to finish reading it for her. People she didn’t even know.
More high fives.
Funeral crashers are an actual thing
Did you know that strangers who don’t even know the family will show up at your funeral?
It took my mom about 24 hours to realize it but the day after my memorial, she recalled that a few people had approached her after the service asking if she was the mother. When my mom inquired whether they were friends of Gramma’s, they said no.
They had just come to watch the service and pay tribute to a guy they didn’t know.
Is this a real thing? I mean, it must be a thing because they showed up and they certainly weren’t hiding in the shadows. They walked right up to my mom and offered condolences.
A bit odd, but thank you, strangers! Thanks for showing up for me.
I took a springtime shower in August
Although a bit unexpected, my funeral wasn’t my first barefoot dance in holy rain. I was baptized as a baby so it only seemed fitting that I be sprinkled on my way out the door too.
When the priest stepped down from the altar and began raining down holy-watery fury upon my urn, my Gramma leaned over to my mom and whispered, “Thank goodness it’s stainless steel, huh?”
I love my family. They make me laugh.
All in all, I think I did a pretty great job of wetting every eye in the building on the day of my memorial. It was nice to see so many people were sad that I don’t exist anymore.
If I could only have changed one thing about the day, I would have erased my daughter’s tears.
Even though she did have a few cute laughs over my funny kid and teen pics, she sobbed openly and audibly when photos of us together began rolling.
My afterlife-long mission now is to find little ways of letting her know that I’m walking beside her every day.
I guess my summary on attending your own funeral is this:
Even though they’ll expose you in every form of the word (including your butt), and they’ll give you a bath you never asked for, everyone will show up for you. Even complete strangers.
And you’ll be as grateful as an intangible cloud of angel fluff can be.
These ‘memoirs of a dead guy’ are lovingly written by a mother who lost her son on September 29th, 2020. His life stories and struggles are compelling and she writes as a means to connect to others who may have similar stories to tell.
