Being a Mama’s Boy is the Smartest Thing I Ever Did
And my mother reluctantly agrees.
I don’t know of any young man who wants his mother all up in his business. When I say all up in it, I mean everything. Email, Facebook, financial affairs, and any other business that should be handled by the man himself.
There’s a rare breed of mama’s boy out there. Like me, for example. I had no shame when I was alive. I used to enlist my mother to take care of a whole laundry list of things for me on occasion and because she’s a great record-keeper, she kept all the secret access to my life inside a journal.
Now she’d like to get an AMEN and a hallelujah for it.
Guys, if you’re planning to die young without a will, and you don’t have a wife? Get your mother on board right now, while you still have a heartbeat.
Trust me, she will be thanking you for a long time after you’re gone.
The key to your life
Email is your holy grail, the lifeblood of your existence. Make sure your mother has your email password.
Trust me, she doesn’t want to troll your email account while you’re alive. She’s not interested how many Tinder replies you’ve got in your spam box.
But she will need to troll the hell out of your email once you’re gone. It allows her to follow the breadcrumbs of what was once your life.
Your mom may be like my mom and add your Gmail account to her phone to receive all your notifications, because she’ll have nothing better to do in your absence.
Appointment reminders? They’ll ping on her phone and she can now properly inform the people that you won’t be showing up.
If your mother has access to your email there’s no limit to the number of hours she can stay busy changing all your passwords, everywhere, and hacking into what was once your life.
Brand new laptop? No problem! If she knows your email password she can hack through the security screen and voila! She’s got herself a brand new computer rather than having to pay Geek Squad to do the dirty work.
Money in the bank? If she’s got access to your email she can change your online banking password and withdraw all your money. No need to spend months tied up with probate laws. It’s as simple as an online transfer straight to herself.
Don’t worry, she’s not going to go live it up at the spa with your money. She’ll just buy herself another fluffy blanket to curl up under and put the rest into a trust fund for your children. When they’re old enough they will know it’s a gift you left specially for them.
Cell phone security
I was a total idiot. I didn’t even have a lock code on my cell phone so my mother was very lucky. She was able to open Pandora’s entire box with a simple swipe of the screen.
This came in handy for accessing my social media accounts. Accessing those came in very handy for scaring the shit out of my friends when they’d see me online a month after I died.
But what my lack of cell phone security really worked well for was opening a portal between my mother and people she never knew. People who had wonderful things to say about me. People who told her stories about how I’d touched their lives and helped them somewhere along the way.
It gave her access to phone numbers and messages she’d never have found otherwise, and it gave her access to photos of me that she never had. Trust me, she’ll want (most of) those.
She did come across some photos she never needed to see but now that I’m dead and gone she’s able to look at them with compassion and think, “Meh…he was human. We all have a private life.”
And lastly, having access to my cell phone gives her the ability to shut down my social profiles if she ever chooses to. (She won’t choose to though, Facebook memories are too sweet).
The gift she never knew about
Perhaps one of the best gifts I was able to give my mother after I left was Youtube Premium. Go ahead and laugh but there’s a reason I’m saying this.
Because she had my email password she was able to log into my premium account and see an entire playlist entitled, “Old 90’s Me & Mom.”
She had no idea I’d ever thought about the good old days. Our road trips to the cabin, our living room dance parties, and our chill out days. We used to ‘ride dirty’ around the neighborhood and blast her car stereo with the windows down, because I had the coolest mother on the planet.
No Diggity, No Scrubs, Outkast, TLC.
When I was six years old, she didn’t tell me that TLC was saying, “Don’t go chasing waterfalls.” She just let me keep singing, “Go go Jason waterfalls” while quietly smiling, just like she’s smiling now because I have that song in our playlist.
So, listen up guys.
If the idea of your mother having so much access to your life makes you cringe, then don’t give her your security information. But at the very least, write it all down, seal it in an envelope, and use a sharpie to write MOM in big, bold letters on it.
Leave it somewhere obvious so she doesn’t have to go on a treasure hunt after you’re gone, because trust me…she won’t have the energy for that.
Of course this was all written tongue-in-cheek to give you a laugh, because that’s who I was as a person.
But at the same time it’s all true and I have never been so glad to have been a mama’s boy. It made the most difficult event of her life a tiny bit easier.
These ‘memoirs of a dead guy’ are lovingly written by a mother who lost her son on September 29th, 2020. His life stories and struggles are compelling and she writes as a means to connect to others who may have similar stories to tell.
